Aaron spends most of his time in school together with Jacob and Alan. Somehow, the three of them hit it off right from day one. Taking the same modules together, having meals together, being in the same project groups, even taking the same bus home everyday. Aaron feels extremely comfortable with the other guys in his clique and they share great moments together.
Things however, began to change when they came to year 3. They decided to pursue different majors and this led to their drifting apart. Although Alan has gone on the student exchange program, Aaron still expected to have Jacob as company. Initially, Aaron assumed that Jacob would be able to have lunch together everyday, but that was no longer possible due to timetable clashes.
Soon, twice a week lunch meetings became once a week. Aaron also observed Jacob hanging out with another group of friends, apparently from his class. He began to feel frustrated, betrayed and alone. It didn’t help that he has trouble making new friends in a new environment. Even Aaron himself was surprised that he had difficulty coping with these new adjustments.
He also started to experience difficulties in his schoolwork. No longer having his best friends for consultation and support proved to be incredibly straining and he began to struggle more and more. Bitterness crept in, and he began blaming Jacob for ignoring him. Finally, Aaron decided to confront Jacob face to face.
Aaron evidently had difficulty managing his emotions and adapting to change. Confronting Jacob also resulted in much awkwardness and tension between them. How then should Aaron have responded to these changes in his school life?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
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6 comments:
I agree friends are important in our daily life, however, the character, aaron, in this article showed his "over-reliant" against jacob.
I think he has to understand that everyone has their own social circles even through both of them are very close friends. He cannot expect that jacob spends all his entire life with him. He shouldn't have confronted jacob with this reason.
I will suggest Aaron to open his heart first and then try to get more involved in other school activities; from that, he will be able to know more friends and hence expand his social circle in school.
Hi,
This is definitely a common situation in campus life although it could vary in different degree. I suppose in Aaron’s case, he would be at one end of the spectrum where he is too dependent on his friends.
In my opinion, most relationships begin and prosper because the people involved benefit in some way from it. Though it may sound very skeptical, I think that people seek out relationship that is beneficial to them and avoid those that are not beneficial to their interest. I guess this is relevant to Aaron’s case where having his best friends for consultation and support is his reward in the relationship. Without Jacob, he feels that he has difficulty coping the days.
To me, the best solution to this is that Aaron deals with this problem directly and meets up with Jacob personally to ask him for the reason/s that is straining their relationship. This is known as the voice approach in dealing with a conflict which is an active and constructive response. Perhaps Aaron has done has done something wrong towards Jacob unknowingly.
Hi Liang Fu,
Aaron’s predicament is quite symptomatic of people who have small social circles, who risk isolation when their close friends find new companions. The despair and isolation experienced can be very traumatic.
With qualities gleaned from the emotional competence framework from eiconsortium.org, both Aaron and Jacob could have handled the situation better.
Better self-awareness and regulation would have enabled Aaron to identify his feelings and deal with them separately instead of allowing them to affect his schoolwork, and consequently externalising the blame to Jacob. More adaptability and the initiative to improve the situation in a less confrontational way, such as accepting the need to make friends of his own and setting aside his anger to have a frank but respectful discussion with Jacob.
I also feel Jacob could also done more in this instance. With more empathy, he might have realised the trauma he was causing Aaron and been more sensitive towards his feelings.
Yes, this is probably a commonplace issue, even while a complex one. Thanks for describing it clearly and concisely and for sharing it with us.
Thanks everyone for commenting!
i find what Susanto mentioned about people seeking relationships that are beneficial to them rather interesting.
Of course this happens frequently, isn't that what networking is about?
I agree that we rely on friends a lot, and more on certain individuals in different periods of our life. Surely there are friends we were very close to that just are not so close now. But i don't think it was intentional, but rather a natural process of life.
Some people walk past your life, some walk in and out after some time, while a few walk in and stay.
Haha am i being incoherent?
What i'm trying to say is that its natural if friends drift apart after some time. But thank God others will enter our lives..
Keep a balanced view of reliance on friends!
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